Lawyer Humor

These are supposedly things people have actually said in court.

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday? WITNESS : July 18th. ATTORNEY : What year? WITNESS : Every year. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS : I forget. ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you? WITNESS : Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active? WITNESS : No, I just lie there. _____________________________________________ ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you? WITNESS : My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS : We both do. ATTORNEY : Voodoo? WITNESS : We do. ATTORNEY : You do? WITNESS : Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he? WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS : Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS : Uh.... _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : She had three children, right? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : How many were boys? WITNESS : None. ATTORNEY : Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS : By death. ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual? WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS : Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS : Huh? ______________________________________ As for the last!!! ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.