Funny Quotes

I got these in an email today.


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washingt on Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery



10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it! just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni



11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson



12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry



19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased



20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

9-11

It seems every generation has a tragic, monumental event to remember. We've gone from "where were you when Kennedy was shot?" to "where were you when Challenger blew up?" to "where were you on 9-11?"

I'm sure most of us remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard about or witnessed the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in Septmeber 2001. I was in my kitchen, having breakfast with my husband, who had just come in from the barn. He turned on the television and we saw the fire in the first tower. We knew a plane had hit it and we thought it was a tragic accident and wondered what had happened and how many people had died.

We were watching live when the second plane hit and at first we weren't sure what had happened. Then it dawned on us that it was deliberate. We stared in shock at the television. "Who would do something like that?" we wondered.

We still wonder at the senselessness of it all. Why do people think that violence solves problems? Why would anyone think it ok to murder thousands of people?

My husband and I handle 9-11 quite differently. He reads every article, every website, every theory he comes across. He watches videos and listens to 9-1-1 audio and watches all the Dateline specials.

I try to avoid most of that. I watch an occasional tribute and listen to the President's speaches. But when I think about what I was doing that morning, I have to take a minute to regroup. I still sit in stunned silence as the images play over and over in my head. I'm not trying to foget; that would be impossible. But I'm not trying hard to remember either.

I hope and pray the War on Terror will be successful and we can help end the bloodshed and fear they have brought to the world over the centuries. Someone needs to stop them. This is a fight to the end. The end of terrorism, I hope. Then end of everything, maybe. But we can't just let this continue. It's about time the world stood up to Al Qaeda. Enough is enough.

Quadruple Stuf Oreos

Today is my wedding anniversary. My wonderful husband bought me the most perfect card in the store(he has a knack for picking good cards), and presented me with two packages of Double Stuf Oreos. I love Oreos and especially Double Stuf. He only likes regular Oreos, so we don't get Double Stuf too often.

Of course, I can't eat Double Stuf Oreos without making at least one quadruple stuf. For those of you who are unaware of this wonderful treat, here is how to make them:

Carefully twist open two Double Stuf Oreos, leaving all the cream on one side of each cookie. Eat the leftover chocolate parts, or throw them away if you like. Lick the cream on one of the half-cookies and stick cream sides together. For a better seal, run the tip of your little finger around the edge of the cream(licking it works, too). Enjoy.

It's a great way to overload on the best part of the Oreo: the cream filling.