Grief

 Grief is a black hole in your heart. Nothing can fill it. You can't fill it with books, or music, or food. You can't fill it with projects or work. You can distract yourself with those things, bury it for awhile, but it comes back on you when you least expect it.

When grief catches up to you, everything is colored by sadness. Everything hurts. You might smile at some amusing distraction, or even laugh at a joke and then immediately return to aching. The sadness is so great it's like a physical thing that's far bigger than you.

There was a person, who meant so much to you, maybe more than you knew or acknowledged, and now that person is gone from your life. Everything they touched in your life, even things you didn't realize, is now forever changed. 

As a Christian, I believe in an afterlife. I believe that I will see my father again. That doesn't make it hurt less, or lessen that sadness I feel today. The many things that I've thrown at the emptiness in myself have not filled it up at all.

There are many people in the world tonight who are grieving, and I feel for them. I wish them peace, even while I sit here feeling that it is far distant. It is a beautiful thing to have loved someone. Some day that may be a consolation. Tonight, I am just sad.

Last Year; That's Why

 Last year was a very bad year for me. I can back it up to summer of 2021, when my husband resigned from his job. I had been reading books about goal setting and had plans in place to improve our finances, but Hubby hit a wall with burnout and had to step away.

 In September of that year, seeing that he was not yet ready to return to work, I took a second job. A second retail job. If you've ever worked retail, you know how thankless a job it can be. So I had two of them, not both full time, of course, but I was consistently working 50+ hours a week. It was tiring, to say the least. By early 2022, I was winding down, really wanting to get back to one job. 

Then in April, my father passed away from heart failure. The first few weeks after that things sort of seemed to stop. I took a week off from work, then decided I needed the distraction that work provided. Between two jobs, driving kids around, and not really dealing with grief, I hit a breaking point. Things needed to change.

My manager had transferred to a different store in April, and our assistant manager moved up to her position. That left an opening for Assistant Store Manager. I applied, knowing it was a long-shot. What I got out of it was a half hour sit-down discussion with my Regional Manager about my two jobs, what I wanted to accomplish at my full time job, and how to get there. He asked me what I needed to make in order to quit my second job. I had the number for him. He told me I wasn't quite ready to move into management, but we made a plan for me to step up to Department Lead, which would put me in place to move up to Supervisor. 

By the end of the summer, I was the Farm department lead, but still doing the books and other bookkeeper things that belonged to my previous position, as well as a big update of our tax exempt records for customers, which had a six month deadline and I'd already started. I got a raise, but not yet enough to quit job number two.

There was talk about one of the supervisors retiring. She had talked of retiring in June, but it didn't happen. Then it was January, but she suddenly stepped down in November, the day before Thanksgiving(the last work day before Black Friday). So we were down one supervisor. I applied for the job, as well as four other associates from our store. I got the job, put in my notice at the part time job, and started my training. 

Somewhere in all this, I took a week off, where the grief caught up with me and I cried for four days. We went to Michigan for our 20th wedding anniversary, which was a nice trip, but we were both tired. We bought a ridiculous amount of Mackinac fudge. 

After two interviews with the corporate trainer and several training checklists, I have now been officially promoted to Floor Supervisor. I am making enough to support my family. Hubby is talking about going back to work in the Spring, after our youngest gets her driver's license and can get herself to work.

I'm still grieving the loss of my dad. I'm still trying to fill a hole, I think, although nothing can fill it. I'm still seeking something that would make him proud of me or make me feel like I'm not wasting the start he gave me in life or the many things he taught me. 

Writing is my escape plan. It's my focus for where I want my life to go. It's the one thing I can do that really brings me any sort of satisfaction or joy, except maybe music. That's why the 1,000 word per day goal. That's why the outlining.

Blogging and the Super Duper Plans for 2023

 Dear Reader,

After a few years of trying out other blogs, I've decided to revive this one. I still have the blog for my writing, although I'm currently locked out(they were bought out and my sister has the new password). I've also got a blog about my new interest in financial independence and early retirement, commonly known by the acronym of FIRE. I've started and deleted two other blogs as well.

While I'll probably keep all three of the current blogs going for awhile, I'm going to try to keep things centralized here. I can write about anything here, and I like the easy style of blogger.

On to the planning phase of 2023. I like plans. I like to sit down and make goals and plan how to achieve them. The trouble comes in implementing and staying on track. Life has a way of laughing at my plans and throwing curve balls at me until I forget where I was going and how I was going to get there.

Other than blogging, I'm working steadfastly on my writing this year. I've been writing a minimum of 1,000 words a day on my fiction, including outlines. Outlines are also a new things for me. I don't outlining. My pantser self likes to write a story as though I'm reading it, not really knowing where it's going, or at least how it's going to get there. Eventually, that excitement dies down and the story gets to the point where it needs more structure than I've given it. That's where the outlines will come in handy. Granted, the stories are already in the works. The outlines are a guide, something to remind me of where the plots are supposed to be and help me not to drop them.

As far as word count goes, a thousand words a day is one full draft of a fantasy novel a year, or four to six other novels. Should I get tired of my fantasy book, I can move on to another story idea and keep going. There are endless ideas and words to be expressed, and this is probably the most exciting plan I have for this year.

Another of my plans is to organize my life. I'm not talking minimalism here, but there are places where we could stand to cut back. The less stuff you have to deal with, the easier it is to take it in hand. This includes cleaning schedules, budgeting and monetary goal setting, and just downsizing the "stuff" component in general. 

I'm also open to challenges and experiments, so if you happen to have a suggestion, feel free to comment or contact me.

Thanks and Happy New Year!

 

P.S. Tomorrow is my Grandma's 91st birthday. Happy Birthday Grandma!

Writing and Editing

Dear Reader,

It's a sad thing to feel like I've kept up this blog better than ever and then realize that I haven't actually posted in seven months.

So far, 2018 is a year of changes. I have a new, full-time job at a farm store. I finished the first draft of the novel I've been writing on and off for about 13 years(8 if you don't count the 5 years I hardly touched it after my youngest child was born). I rewrote most of it last year, but I'm still counting back to the early days.

I have also started up an online editing business, which has two clients, a website, and a scant social media presence that I really should work on increasing.

Now that the first draft of the mainstream fiction novel is done, I'm working on the murder mystery I started a couple years ago. I'm a little disappointed to see that I haven't written nearly as much as I thought I had, but I'm fairly pleased with what's there. I know who the killer is, am working on the motive, and am slowly accepting that this genre may require an outline. I am not a fan of outlines.

The best part about mysteries, which I have toyed with in fanfics, is foreshadowing. Unlike live-posted fanfic updates, I get to go back through this book and add things. Misdirection, clues, more questions than answers -- all of these things are fun to work with. That is, until I get to the end and have to wrap it all up. But that's so far in the future I don't even worry about it.

Take care, Reader.

Until next time.....


P.S. I put a daily serial story on my author website during Lent. That was also a blast.

First Snow! and other things.....

Dear Reader,

It is snowing in central Wisconsin!  Husband has the day off and he took me to breakfast at Denny's.  Very filling breakfast, but the food was only so-so.  When we left the restaurant, it had just started snowing, but I didn't count it until we got home and found that it was snowing here too.

I like first snows because they're pretty and they don't stick.  I'm really not ready for winter driving.

In other news, my asthma is flaring up.  Recent mold exposure caused two attacks this week.  My lungs hate me right now.  The good news is that my rescue inhaler works.  I also got to try out the local clinic's health portal website.  My doctor is prompt in replying to messages. 

I've decided that I much prefer this blogging platform to Weebly.  It loads faster and allows me to change the title of a post more easily.  My author page is through Weebly, so I'm sort of stuck with it for author blogging, at least for now. 

I'm going to try to write something now.  I have a scene I may adapt and place into chapter eleven of my novel-in-progress.  I'm not sure yet that it will fit, but I'll know in an hour or so.

Take care, Reader!

Wow, This Blog is Still Here

Dear Reader,

I was thinking about this blog tonight, and I decided to see if it still exists in cyberspace.  Well, what do you know? It does!

Previously, at Patronized Saint.....

I was doing the P90X workouts, I believe.  Tony Horton did not kill me.  I couldn't hack Phase C and a bunch of personal stuff hit me about that time so I gave up on it. 

This poor blog has been more neglected than ever, partly because I've switched my focus to writing.  This year I'm hitting it hard, and I have a blog on my author page which gets slightly more attention than this one does.

I think I'll keep this blog though.  I like it.  I may even remember to come and post on it once in a blue moon.

Phase B

Dear Reader,

I have survived phase A of my P90 program.  I am still not following the nutritional plan, but I have managed to lose 3/4" from my waist, which though small, is encouraging.  I have given up desserts for Lent, so that should help with my extra evening calorie fight.  I feel stronger, and my legs are more toned.  That's a good start.

Phase B is underway and it's challenging, but not impossible.  The first day, I felt like I was in pretty good shape, but the workouts still kicked my butt.  I have found that the mixed martial arts moves are still my favorite.  Once I get the hang of them, I really enjoy them and they're the moves I feel most confident doing.  My favorites from phase A are still in the mix, but stepped up a bit with added moves. 

There is a lot more jumping around in month two(plyometrics, I guess they're called) and a lot more planking moves.  So far I'm able to at least hold a plank and do a couple of half push-ups.  I am trying not to think of what I'll have to do in the phase C exercises.

I still like this program, although I am using my exercise inhaler for this second month.  For some reason, the sculpting video causes more breathing issues.  My muscles are all stiff and sore and my knees hurt a bit, but I still feel pretty good and if I can avoid injury and illness, I think I'll be able to keep with it to the end of the program.

P90 First Week Review

Dear Reader,

Although this blog has been horribly neglected, I would like to report that I am still in existence.  I have done some blogging on my author blog(mostly about writing, imagine that...). 

But here is the place I blog about exercise.  I am on week one of P90.  I admit that I am not following the nutritional plan, first of all because Shakeology is outrageously expensive, and also because there is too much chocolate around here from Christmas.  My willpower is rather low in January.  I have bought some healthier food and have kept breakfast and lunch lower in calories.  If I can kick the dessert habit I've picked up, I'll be good.  I am not going to do the 6 Day Shred, as I believe it to be a dangerous restriction of calories, especially whilst exercising.

The exercises for the first month of the program aren't too bad.  It's a bit challenging, but I am surviving it.  I printed out the program calendar from a third party website and didn't notice a misprint that had me doing a sculpting workout from the second month.  That one was hard, but I survived it too.  I do hope that by the end of month one, I'm better able to handle those "Sculpt B" moves because I really thought it was going to do me in. 

So far my asthma has not been an issue.  I suspect that I will need to use my exercise inhaler for month two.  The only result to report here on day five is that my posture is greatly improved.  I haven't slouched once since sitting down at the computer this morning.

My free coach is not working out so far.  I have sent her an email and gotten no reply.  Perhaps she is busy, or has no answers for my questions.  It is rather unfortunate that her specialty programs do not include P90.  I doubt she'll be of much help.

I'll finish up week one tomorrow.  So far, I like the exercise portion of the program.  I like the fast pace, how quickly we change moves, and how the host is upbeat in a non-annoying way.  I do modify some of the moves, and have a slow pace, but I expect it to improve.

Asthma 5K

Dear Reader,

While I somewhat enjoy exercise, and don't exactly despise it, I find motivation hard to come by as far as keeping at it.  The wii fit board told me I've lost weight since last summer, which is great, except that it was because I hadn't used wii fit since then.

I think I've been subconsciously viewing my asthma as some sort of terminal diagnosis.  Nevermind the fact that I have not yet had an asthmatic attack, the thought of having one while miles from my home is not fun.  This is something I'm working on.

I still don't ride my bicycle much, but I'm working on an easy 5K training plan(the "easy" part being that it's walking).  I'm not planning to enter any official races, but I think it will help with my confidence and changing the way I think of asthma.  I want to see it as a challenge instead of a hindrance.

Still Going

The post title says it all.  Life is throwing all sorts of stuff at me this year, but I'm still going.  I did finally cross the Brandywine in my ride to Rivendell.  The trip is much more exciting in the book and the movie.

My writing is sort of on hold.  I have a privately printed almost complete first draft to tear into.  I like seeing it in book form, and hate to start marking it up, but I really want to get back to the story.  I'll have to put the fantasy work on hold, but this is the first real story I had pour out of my brain and into any semblance of a book.  I need to finish this one.

Riding for Real

Dear Reader,

Today I rode my real bicycle outdoors.  Only a half mile because I haven't ridden in awhile and honestly, the asthma scares me.  My doctor says I may have graduated to full blown asthma.  That doesn't make riding outside sound appealing. 

The ride went well enough, and I wasn't out of breath for too long.  Think I'll try again tomorrow.

Black Riders

My first encounter with a Black Rider.  I was too tired to be much afraid, but the hobbits were sure freaked out.  Mile 31 and the Nazgul are already tailing us. 

Snow

Dear Reader,

The lovely Spring weather we've been having in Wisconsin(snow!) has slowed my journey somewhat, but I have made some small progress. 

I'm up to 19.5 miles now.  Rivendell is still a long way off, but I'll get there.

Still Riding

The hobbits have outpaced me due to my getting more hours in at work this week as well as planting a ridiculous amount of peas, but I got back on my exercise bike today.  I actually worked up a sweat this time, which either means that it's really Spring, or I have to ride 7 miles to get a good workout in.  Today I crossed the "Stock Road that leads to Woodhall" and will follow it for awhile.

I am 13.5 miles into my journey.
Only 444.5 miles to go.

Still in the Shire

After a day of rest, I kept myself to a casual pace today, and am still making my way through Tookland.  I had to stop to plant potatoes, but it was nice to walk under the stars in the cool evening afterwards.

The Ride Begins

I began my journey to Rivendell this afternoon with five miles on my exercise bike.  I have crossed the Great East Road, and entered the Green Hill Country of Tookland.  A very pleasant journey thus far.

Biking to Rivendell

Dear Reader,

In my quest for more interesting ways to exercise, I have run across the "Walk to Rivendell" challenge, in which you keep track of your miles and log in to keep track of your progress on the road from Hobbiton to Rivendell.  The mileage was calculated from maps of Middle Earth.  How awesome is that?

You can keep track of mileage here.

I'm adapting the challenge so that I can use my bicycle, or my recumbent exercise bike, as well as walking.  This will allow me to continue my journey on rainy/snowy/inclement days.  I will post my progress on the blog.  Should be lots of fun!

Update

Dear Reader,

After some reconsideration I have created a twitter account under my pen name.  It's going alright, and I've found that it helps me with my confidence in my writing.

In other news, I realized tonight that I can recite Monroe County 4-H club names like Bran Stark recites house sigils. :)

Writer Incognito

Dear Reader,

It is not well known that I have a pen name, and that pen name has a website and blog attached to it.  I have no idea what to put on the website, as my writing is not something I put a lot of time into at the moment and I would feel like a fraud promoting something that is not going along at any steady rate.

However, I have spent several minutes this morning using various search engines to see what page the website comes up on.  The name by itself is not findable on Google, but if I add "fiction" I get a first page result and adding "weebly" give me number one.  :)  Webcrawler, Bing and Dogpile all yield first page results for the pen name alone, although Bing put me at the very bottom. 

I am considering twitter and facebook accounts, but there again, I'm not sure I could generate enough content to make them worthwhile to anyone who may like or follow them. 

Writing

Dear Reader,

I've started my fantasy/adventure story.  I have many ideas and an eight year story arc, so I'm expecting it to be at least a trilogy.  The hardest part will be world building, something with which I have very little experience.

With other stories, I have tried simply writing them(which is the most fun, when I can do it), making an outline(helpful but not so fun), and now I've started using note cards.  I expect I'll be using a ton of note cards as I start filling in details of my story world.

This story is going to take a long time to write, which is ok because I'm enjoying the creative process.  Lots of reading and writing and editing are in my future.  Wish me luck!